just another paper doll

while at the bar it is really important to appear super uninterested for the first 10 minutes after a boy either buys you a drink or tells you that you’re pretty because if after that he proceeds to go talk to someone with your same hair color thats wearing a wife beater and soffe shorts. you know he sucks and only wants vagina. #brittanywizdom

hangovers with brittany

being hungover is the absolute worst thing that ever happens to me on a completely regular basis. i think everything is hilarious (especially me), i become more cynical than i already am (i didn’t think it was possible either), i look like a treasure troll and shrek had a baby, i will stab any person that crosses me, and i would shed out any amount of money and my first born child to have starbucks, taco bell, mcdonalds, oreos, dairy queen, one of those cool shakes that taste like cake from coldstone, noodles and company, and kool aid delivered to me.

let me just give you a realistic view of hangovers at my house.

wakey wakey:

-“you’ve got to be shitting me”

-“my breath tastes like shithole”

-“CAT YOU ARE IRRITATING ME WITH YOUR EXISTENCE”

-“god i hope i didn’t say anything stupid last night”….read all text messages and get disappointed when nothing exciting happened…at all. 

-EWWWW.

-“i hope i remembered to put water in the fridge”

-“nope i didn’t….ice cubes?….I FAIL AT EVERYTHING.”

-“ill drink it warm”

-“why do i never have sunny d….why is there an empty sunny d container in my fridge…like i should take that out of there….WHAT IF I HAD KOOL AID” 

-“god i hope i don’t throw up today”

-“I’m never changing out of pajamas ever. never. ever.”

-“HOLY FUCK I NEED TO PEE.”

-“you. have. to. be. shitting. me. why. would. i. get. my. period. when. i. am this. hungover.

-“SCORE IM NOT PREGNANT NOW BRING ME EVERY OREO EVER MADE. EVER.”

later on in the day. aka like 5pm

-“theres a fucking wasp in my apartment and killing it involves me getting off the couch, meaning. we shall live together wasp and i shall name you herman, i won’t like you because you’re annoying as fuck and theres a chance you could painfully sting me, but you’re still probably 500000 times better than having an actual roommate”

-proceed to have a lengthy conversation with cat about how he needs to help out around the house more.

-think about every single funny thing ever, realize I’m hilarious, then frantically scroll through my phone to see who i could text what i just thought about because not sharing that i’m a comedic genius with someone seems ridiculous and the more people i tell…the quicker i’ll become a laugh superstar with my own tv show on mtv. (this is also an immense self esteem boost because most friends say things like “omg you’re so hilarious. i want to be you…. i mean unless you text it to your best friends because they either respond with something equally hilarious or they recommend you jump off a building…so theres that) 

-NO I WILL NOT SNAPCHAT YOU BACK!!!! I LOOK HIDEOUS TODAYY

-contemplate ordering a pizza….2 hours later….tostitos it is. 

-RED LOBSTER LEFT OVERS? HOOOOOORRRAHHHH

-think about working out….throw up from terrible hangover….decide those are the same things, reassume couch position. 

-“for the amount that i throw up when I’m hungover…i wonder if my neighbors think I’m bulimic?” 

-i should take a nap. what if herman stings me in my sleep….god. this is terrible.

-WHY IS MY EXBOYFRIEND TEXTING ME?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!? STAHHHHPPPPPPPP IT. 

-“fuck i work in an hour, i look like a troll, and the only activity thats crossed my mind today is…”is this how it feels to die?” 

getting ready for work:

-put on dirty dub step music because like honestly. mama bout to twerk while she puts her face on…ya dig?

-pause for a second and pretend i’m lana del rey, lipsyncing to mymirror.

-OMG MY CAT IS STANDING UP LIKE A MERE CAT!!! I SWEAR TO LIVING GOD IF YOU STOP DOING THAT BEFORE I CAN TAKE A PICTURE I WILL LITERALLY SEND YOU TO THE POUND!

-shower time. shower time. shower time. 

-check the weather before actually getting into shower in order to mentally prepare myself for if i need to shave my legs or not. 

-BLOW DRYING MY HAIR IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. 

-im wearing my hair in a side braid because lets be honest. i hate everyone today and it makes me feel unapproachable ;)

-if i could make love to my naked palate i totally would. 

-(hear bag crinkling on the floor) freak the fuck out because I’m immediately terrified my cat got into my chips and i need those for living. 

-im. going. to. wear. leggings. 

-“they should totally give every girl ever one day a month to be able to call in sick to work because of her period.”

while bartending:

-creepy old guy: “i love red hair and nose rings” me: -____-

-STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS

-watch the weirdest online date ever. 

-oh hey thats the girl that owns the tanning salon….oh she’s crying…im gonna feed her shots. 

-creepy old guy: “can you drink on the job?” me:”no…and i don’t want to because I’m hungover.” cog:”oh did you drink yesterday?” me: “thats usually how hangovers are produced….” LIKE. I CANTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

-_______________________________-

-OH MY GOD MY FRIENDS ARE HERE!!! I MISSED THEM SO MUCH. DO YOU THINK THEY’LL EVER LEAVE ME? MORE IMPORTANTLY WILL THEY HELP ME PUT CHAIRS UP LATER? literally. take out the garbage. 

-creepy old guy: “do you guys have wine?” me: “yes” cog: “can i have pink?” *pours wine* cog: “i was hoping for a more manly glass” me: “um…then i suggest not ordering pink wine.”

-its 1 AM…..STOP ORDERING BLOODIES YOU IGNORANT BOOB. 

-what the actual fuck am i going to be for halloween.

-MY EXBOYFRIEND IS STILLLLLLL TEXTING ME.

-why did he just ask me if i had a boyfriend these days? WERE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER. BRB…time to play carly rae jepson on the jukebox. 

-creepy old guy:”so what should i do at bar close.” me:”leave.” cog:”what are you going to do” my thoughts:”well i was hoping to have a very intimate evening with a total stranger who is preferably at least 30 years older than me…loves red heads and nose rings…and favorite hobbies include staring at my ass and boobs, saying fucking weird things to me and making me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable.” 

-oh thank fucking god its 2 am….everyone get the living fuck out of here because literally I’ve been plotting how i could possibly murder you and make it seem like an accident for the last 3 hours.

-im falling asleep the minute i get home!!!!!!!

when i actually get home:

-GIRL CODE DVR MARATHON FOR ME!

-lets use my clarasonic! clean face time…….IM A GODDESS

-why am i not sleeping. 

-HUNGRY.

-omg cat you’re so cute when you’re sleeping…why are you twitching…how many instagram photos of you sleeping can i post until its a problem? ONE MORE CANT HURT. 

-vine. vine. vine.

-i should post a vine….wait nope no makeup…hard pass. TO THE BLOG. 

-you’re joking…its 6:32…I HAVE TO BE AWAKE IN 3 HOURS.

-maybe i’ll just stay up forever. 

-god i can’t fucking wait to drink tonight. 

and that my friends. was literally. my entire day. I’m a fucking weird human being and if you actually read this….just….wow. 

lovee yaaaaa

KBYE. 

how to go to the mall without pissing off the people who work there

I’ve worked at the mall for five years now and i could literally go on for hours on how annoying people are when they shop. seriously it seems like once you step foot into the food court all common sense gets thrown out the window and everything is one big dumbass convention. so in a sad attempt to regain some sanity and lower my bar tab I’ve taken it upon myself to enlighten you all on a few helpful tips to make your shopping experience better and keep the poor helpless mall worker from wanting to murder you. 

first of all: I’m very sorry your jeans ripped, yes i’m aware that you paid 80 dollars for them, however, yelling in my face is not going do anything. first of all my friend, you wore these every single day for the past two years, did you really expect them not to rip? theres more fucking sparkly shit going on the butt that I’m not actually sure if those are a pair of miss me’s or my moms last craft project so naturally i understand why your upset that the single piece of fishing line thats attaching that giant fucking rhinestone fell apart. wait a second….you decided you should buy a 25 when your really a 28? yeah….i don’t really understand why they ripped right in the butt either. seriously people? use your fucking brain. if you don’t want the gems to fall off. stop buying sparkly jeans. they ripped and your pissed? yeah. me too. its called a patch. and its a $1.50 in the walmart craft department. my favorite part about this situation is always how much you think that yelling at me is going to do anything. I’m a 23 year old who works at the mall to get 40% off clothes and to pay my rent….i don’t make your precious jeans and trying to tug at my emotional heartstrings because i need to stand behind “my” product. is horseshit. if you’re really that angry how about you just give the manufacturer a little jingle and complain to them because you’re annoying me. 

folding 101: for the love of god it is not that fucking hard to gently pick up the stack of clothes you are looking at and gently set them back down where you found them or if that really is too difficult for you ASK US TO FOLD IT. literally you’re not ring helpful by rolling it up and shoving it on the shelf because 9 chances out of 10 we literally just spent 20 minutes fixing that table because of the last idiot who did the same thing. I’m going to start coming into your offices and tip all your desks over because basically you just did the exact same thing to me. 

this next one is very important: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN AT HOME!! your 12 year old neighbor will literally jump out of her seat to babysit and your mall experience will be much more enjoyable for you and everyone else. if you plan on not taking this advice and you have decided to cart your offspring around the mall please bring something to entertain him/her with. they are going to get bored quickly and start crying. it literally happens every. single. time. once said child starts screaming bloody murder FUCKING PICK IT UP. seriously. i don’t understand how some of these morons even became parents. every single day i see parents that are more concerned with  their new pair of rock revivals than they are with the fact that not only is their child screaming their brains out, but every single person and their newly acquired migraines hate them. 

miscellaneous things to remember:

if you LOVEEEEE a shirt online: fucking buy it. we DONT have it and getting mad about it to me will only cause annoyance that was easily avoidable by $5 in shipping costs 

if i tell you we only have one size of everything: for the love of god the next thing out of your mouth better not be “really???” because i don’t enjoy your company enough to waste my breathe about these things

you love a shirt we had 6 months ago and want me to find it but you don’t know how to describe it?: -_________-

"i saw a girl wearing these miss me’s and they were sparkly. do you have them?": you. literally. have. to. be. joking. 

if you found a shirt online and decide to be smart enough to call and see if we have it but the only information you have about it is the description: seriously…do you honestly think we sit around memorize all of the descriptions on our online store? aint. nobody. got. time. for. dat. annnnnd plot twist. they name 90%  of those the same thing. 

its 8:50 and the mall closes at 9, they won’t care: YES WE WILL! get out. seriously the mall is open from 10am-9pm. how can you not get there in the regularly scheduled hours? yes, it was our choice to work there but seriously we have lives and we’ve been getting annoyed by you all damn day. go home. come back tomorrow. I’m sorry you live 3 hours away but maybe you should have thought about that because the world does not revolve around you. 

no. we don’t have sales going on. if we had sales going on. we’d tell you. no. I’m not going to cut you a deal. you saving money is not worth me getting fired. 

i genuinely do feel bad when you don’t get helped, but please cut us a little slack, our minds are going a mile a minute with all of the things we need to do and i promise if you just take the time to approach us and ask for help we’ll be all about it.

do you need a fitting room?: okay great. ask for one. don’t just stand creepily near them with a cranky look on your face. (see comment above) 

"i want this wash, but with this pocket": well let me just go right in the back and sew that up for you….im not the keebler elf. stop being so picky. 

last but not least: if you are going to walk really really slow….DO NOT walk in the middle of the aisle making it completely impossible for someone to get around you. its irritating and you’re wasting my precious time. 

so my friends, next time you go to the mall, please put yourself in the shoes of the people that work there and use your brains because I’m willing to bet if the tables turned you’d be just as fed up as we are. 

the prettiest crowd that you have ever seen
ribbons in our hair and our eyes gleamed mean
a freshman generation of degenerate beauty queens

baby crooner.

uncertainty is the root of all insecurity

I’ve had this reoccurring issue in my life lately, something that i’ve never really found myself experiencing. I’m terrified of my future. really though, the future had never really concerned me, i figured because i’m pretty savvy and relatively creative everything would all work out in my favor. i haven’t been so sure of myself lately, my emotions are running high and my otherwise confident personality has been slowly badgered down by an unfortunate event that seems to await around every corner. with each emotional blow i can visibly see my uncertainty creeping into my relationships and social settings and ruining them, therefore creating an even deeper insecurity. 

i can’t shake this feeling though. 

i know my goals, but what path do i take to achieve them, furthermore i have two main goals in life, yet which is the right one? what path do i take? 

i’ve been reading this book lately that has been telling me to focus on the present, stop treating each day as a battle with yourself and enjoy the things you do have. i realize that this is the type of zen that i’m desperately attempting to achieve, however, is that not a battle in itself? 

when does the constant battle end and will the casualties of mine be the things i care most dearly about? 

i’m hoping that because i’ve come to this epiphany of change i will be able to spare the things i hold dear, that i will find something to hold tight, something that will give me strength to pull through and figure out a way to find peace within myself. ultimately i really hope no one even took the time to read this ramble of a  blog post, i just needed an outlet for my racing mind.